GOAL PROGRESS – USERS, LOSERS, AND ABUSERS
I blogged yesterday about the importance of saying no and meaning it. This topic kind of goes along with that. I don’t know about you guys, but I have those people in my life who tend to take, take, take. They give nothing back for the most part. Dealing with them leaves you feeling drained, tired, depressed. If they are abusive, they can leave you physically, mentally and emotionally damaged. There are those who do it on purpose, but just as many who don’t realize they are doing it at all. There are the needy ones who always need something. There are the drama ones, who always have drama going on. There are the ones who think they are being helpful, but aren’t. They find me… in droves. Everywhere I go, the store, the bus, the job, the park. I think sometimes I have a neon sign across my forehead that glares brightly drawing them to me. Online as well. I use to think, before the days of the internet, that it was my face or something. Maybe I looked like the kind of person who would listen, would help. But after I found it happening online, I had to rethink that, since they couldn’t see me. But it happens there too. The people who come to me with their problems. The ones who come to me to help them, save them, give to them. Boy, is it exhausting. And often times, getting rid of them is like scraping off leeches. The thing that makes it absolutely worse is, I hate to do it. I know I need to do it, but I hate to do it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to feel this way – drained, used, tired, trapped. But, on the other hand, I also don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. I also want to help. Helping people isn’t a bad thing. I am very close to finishing my degree as a psychologist. So obviously I want to help people. But, and here is the catch, there has to be limits. There has to be boundaries. There has to be some kind of line drawn. And there has to be different levels. You can’t allow people like this to invade every aspect of your life. So, my goal. I have decided that I need to look at the people in my life, online and off. I need to determine who in my life helps me, energizes me, lifts me up. Who do I have an honest give and take with. Who cares about me for real. Those are the people we need in our lives. These are the people who are going to help me achieve my goals. And those who don’t need to go. Those who do nothing but take up my time, energy, and resources need to go.
I have just as much trouble getting these people out of my life as I do saying no to people, because to be honest, these two things kind of go hand in hand. If I can’t say no to them, they will continue to do the same thing they have always done – drain me. So how do I get rid of them? I’m glad you asked me that question. First, be unavailable. I won’t take the phone calls. I won’t go to those sites. I won’t have my chat turned on. I won’t offer to help. I will bite my tongue when I get the urge to offer to help. Now, some instances, that isn’t possible. Such as at work. Working the front desk of a hotel is much like being a bartender. Especially at night. People who can’t sleep think I am there for them to talk to all night. And when they roll in drunk after the bars close, think I am there to entertain them. So, how do I deal with that? Again, be unavailable. Simply tell them that I have work to do and go into the back office until they are gone. On the phone at work, they do the same thing – they call to ask a few questions, and end up taking up an hour. So, how do you get them off the phone? Call the hotel from my cell. Or put my foot down and cut them off. Now, there are those who will not be so easy. There are those who are closer. Family members, or close friends. Now don’t worry if you know me personally – I’m not talking about cutting off my best friends and becoming a recluse. But, there are some people in my life that I have been allowing to use me for many, many years. And maybe it’s time to take back my life from these people who want to take it from me.
So, take the drama, take the problems, take the 3am calls, take the endless moaning, complaining, yet doing nothing to change it far away from me. Keep your constant issues, keep your never ending requests. I am going to have my degree soon – if you want a psychologist to listen to your problems – I will post my rates. I charge by the hour.
GOAL PROGRESS – LEGGO MY EGO
You make me so mad. You hurt me so much. You make me feel so worthless. Why do you make me feel this way? Why? Because I let you. I allow you to influence how I feel, how I think, how I feel about myself and how I act. It is not all your fault. Now, don’t get me wrong – it is not right to push, hurt, manipulate, and insult others. But, it is up to me to let you do that to me. If I chose not to let you, then you can’t. I can chose not to listen. I can chose to set my own self-worth. I can chose not to get angry. I can decide not to get mad and to let it go. So, you think I’m worthless? I don’t. I find value in myself. I know I am worthy, I know I am a good person. I also won’t take the blame for your mistakes. I won’t feel guilty for things that you do. I won’t allow myself to be manipulated into doing things that I don’t want to do. Or things that aren’t healthy for me.
How many of us let others set our view of ourselves? All of us. It’s inevitable in some ways. We learn our self-worth from our parents. If our parents start our lives out making us feel worthwhile and valuable, loved and wanted, then it makes it easier to believe later in life. However, even if you don’t have that kind of luck, that is no reason that you can’t still learn that valuable lesson in life. At some point you have to wake up and realize that your parents were not gods. They do not make the sun rise, and the tides come in. They were just people who had a child. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my parents. But, at some point, I had to stop blaming my parents for everything in my life and take responsibility for who I was. On that same note, I have to realize that everyone in my life is not responsible for how I feel, what I do, and where I go in my life. It’s so easy to let others keep you down, make you feel bad, make you feel angry. How easy it is to say “Well, not my fault – blank – said this or did this”. Nope, suck it up, you are responsible for you. Much of what I feel, do, and say, is in reaction to others in my life. My kids, my husband, my co-workers, etc. Wow, what a lot of power I am giving away. Now, who hasn’t gone into a store, had a crappy cashier who was grumpy and mean. You may leave the store feeling grumpy and angry. But why? Why give them the power to ruin your day. You go to a restaurant and you have a nasty server. Do you let it ruin your whole meal? You are paying for that meal and you should enjoy it. If you don’t like your server, you have some choices. You can sit there, feeling worse and worse, you can let it ruin a meal. Or you can chose not to. You can ask for a different server. You can ignore it and be pleasant. You can enjoy yourself. Now, I’ll be honest. It’s easy to say, not so easy to do. I am one of those who picks up strongly on other people’s emotions, attitudes, and words. I let other people ruin my mood, my day, my meal. But, as I said. I am giving them all the power. I am allowing them to dictate my life to me. This, needs, to, stop. I need to reclaim the power of my life and take back my emotions.
You want to have a crappy day? Have at it. You want to be insulting, rude and mean? Feel free. You want to take your anger out on others? Go for it. You will no longer be affecting me by doing that. I am not going to allow you to push your crap on me. You can judge me all you want, but it is my own judgement that matters. You can think what ever you want about me, it is what I think of myself that counts. I am me, for good or bad. I will stand on my own. I will be who and what I want to be. Succeed, fail, it’s up to me and my decisions and actions. No one can make me do or say or feel anything that I don’t allow them to. I will laugh when I want, cry when I want, even feel down when I want. My emotions are mine, they have value. My life, my choice. I can have it my way. And I don’t even have to go to Burger King to do it.
