Hacky sack playing hippies
&
Bubblegum gripped shoes
TONY HAWK! Now that that’s out the way, let’s kick-flip the rest of the stereotypes about skateboarding that have been engraved into our frontal lobes like a list of detentionees on an old school desk. A desk that could only have been vandalised by someone carrying a knife in one hand and a skateboard in the other - those kids are like cats to catnip with that shit. I’m talking about “skaters” and not the ice type. These chicken-legged bohemian boy gangs wear shoelace belts, practice their tricks with their fingers and publically yell at inanimate objects; all while strutting down the centre of the street like a mash up between Quasimodo and Naomi Campbell. Well, maybe not Naomi. She’s too dark. Skating is for the bleachers.
If you are beginning to frame a clearer picture of the type of person a skater is, crack the frame, scrumple the image, tear the corners, and use it as a serviette after eating a powdered doughnut without your hands. Skaters are filthy humans, filthier than bellybuttons! Navels aside, the biggest brand marking these folks is the mop of hair on top of their head. This never ending fringe, that looks as if their hairline has done a suicide plunge over the edge of their eyebrows, dusts the blackheads off their cheeks and keeps their gender a secret. The other brand; VANS. More vans than Toyota’s fucking warehouse!
If you are still not able to tell the difference between a skater and a bergie with a board, you’re going to have to rely on your sense of smell to weed out the imposters. Skaters don’t leave their house without a strong scent of cannabis and wasted potential. This smell fills the pockets of an average skater between the creases of his fake ID, empty wallet and the up arrow button he collected from an elevator after attempting an ollie between floors four and three. But ultimately this smell resides in their mother’s narrowing nostrils.
Please note that if the said skater is fresh out of cannabis, then any other alternative drug may be used to supplement his fragrance and public prepared persona. Not many people know this, but the original saying used to be; “dwelms is vir skaters”, until they all became criminals. However, the ones that are not behind bars or living in them would now have made it through 15 skateboards (all with graffiti body work because natural is not beautiful) and only 2 pairs of vans, because the holier they are, the more grip they naturally allow the world to give their feet…
A skater’s life is not for the faint hearted though. Getting tattoos of asymmetrical bald eagles across your chest, simply to let a few outstretched feathers stick out the collar of their picnic-blanket-shirts is no joke. Neither are their weathered fingerprints that cling onto the edges of their board, which must be in hand at all times in case an opportunity arises to further grind down their dignity and tail slide right into the Guinness Book of World Douche Bags.
So skaters, that’s how the world of walkers see you. Got anything to say for yourselves or are you too busy waxing your wheels?
